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I guess I had to look up some meaning for those dreams.


To see a rhinoceros in your dream, suggests that you need to forge ahead toward your goals and do not take "no" for an answer. Do not let any obstacles sidetrack you from your destination. You need to be more aggressive

This sounds like it makes sense, but then I can't explain it destroying everything can I?

To see insects in your dream, signifies minor obstacles that you must overcome. There are small problems and annoyances that need to be dealt with. You feel that you are under attack. Or something or someone may be "bugging" or pestering you. Alternatively, insects are also said to be symbolic of precision, alertness, and sensitivity. You may need to organize your thoughts and sort out your values.

To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions

Woah good times!
A summary of my dream/s last night, because it was really, really odd.

A huge rhino about the size of a department store being used as transport for something, which goes berserk crashing into buildings and crushing people. I manage to avoid it and cry hysterically at the carnage around me.
A garden of overgrown weeds and a crumbling path in the middle, it was dense and there were insects and slimy worms and a giant spider. Pretty horrible.
Richard Meadly (From This Morning, old school show) in a beige suit with another bloke walking in a park with A-HA in the background. (What the fuck)
A strange dream were I was in a place with lots of rooms, a bit like a game like you might get in the film Saw. I looked through round holes in the floorboards to other rooms, one was crawling with cockroaches, one had people looking back at me and I had to avoid them seeing me. I think we had to kill the other person?
Well if that didn't disturb you, it disturbed me.

Writer's Block: Role model

Is there any character from a novel or film that serves as a role model to you? What kind of advice do you think she or he would give you regarding any major issues you're facing right now?

In a way Fuschia from The Gormenghast books, for the way she sees the world around her and the fantasy she creates in her head, but she's also deeply flawed in other ways.
Probably more likely Eowyn from the Lord of the Rings - (book only) she is such an incredible character, she develops so much and is so strong in her mind. The film doesn't express that quite so well.

Oct. 30th, 2009

Pick up the nearest book and write a sentence at random from it: I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.

Do you like having your picture taken?: Yes and no, I'm always in hope that when I do the result will be ok to me at least, if it's not I can get really down.

Ever bought a CD for just one song?: Probably.

Do you read your horoscope?: Sometimes, but with a pinch of salt.

If you could only talk to one person online, who would that be?: I don't talk to anyone online really.

What color is the inside of your head when you close your eyes?: Very deep red black.

Do you find you use internet language when writing notes in real life?: No.

When you're talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks in the air when saying certain words? No, unless I'm mimicking somebody else.

Ever seriously questioned your sanity?: Lots of times.

When you dream do you see what's happening in a character's view or a camera type view?: Both.

Have you ever kept a New Year's resolution?: I doubt it.

Who has the best taste in music out of all your friends?: Well Richi has the most in common with mine.

What is your school mascot?: I don't think we had one.

Do you wish your teeth were whiter?: Yeah, I'm getting smoker's teeth

Do you laugh at your own jokes?: Yes.

What word instantly makes you smile ?: Bears, Bees, Des Champs.

How many phone numbers do you have remembered and can say off the top of your head?: A couple.

What was the best Halloween costume you ever had?: I've never dressed up for it I don't think, but I'm wearing cat woman tonight from last year's hen night cos I can't afford anything else and Richi is dressing up.

Can you limbo?: I'm probably too stiff.

You're a vampire; what's worse, never seeing a photo/reflection of yourself, never being able to eat or drink what's not blood, or never seeing sunlight again?: Sunlight.But then again, if I was a vampire I would hate it anyway.

Do you say random stuff like "I like Snickers" when you are having a conversation about something else? Um, not like that example because that is really retarded. But yeah, in an appropriately inane conversation already.

Name all the Teletubbies right now: Po-Po? I don't know.

Would you ever call someone a racist name?: No.

Do you think Vlad is a cool name?: It is in context, not really for a regular joe.

Did you know it is Dracula's first name?: ...

What do you think is going to take over humans and rule the world?: mums.

What is your IQ?: I have had ranging results from 90 to 140, I would need one of those official tests.

Have you ever killed your own dinner?: no.

Would you prefer a spork or a spoon and fork?: Don't care as long as I can use something.

Favorite of the seven dwarves?: Down-trodden farmer's wife.

Ever laughed so hard that what you were drinking spewed out of your nose?: Yes.

Wasn't Josie and the Pussycats a stupid movie? I know of this film, not seen it. It looks like a piece of shit.

Wasn't Shrek an awesome movie?: It was ok.

What did you think of the movie Turner and Hooch?: I always quite liked it. It reminds me of watching it while eating lasange, making pieces for a boardgame called 'Bury Your Belongings' for a school project.

Have you ever dissected a frog?: no.

How long have you been living at your current residence?: A year and four months.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHYILLIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the great meow mix vid Phillis, cats will lead to more cats.


Firstly: If you've been tagged, you must write your answers in your own LJ and replace any question that you dislike with a new, original question (interesting...).
Secondly: Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

Who sleeps in bed next to you?

My Richi.

Have you ever lied to a teacher to get out of a deadline?

Er, maybe I can't actually think of a time. At uni they were all genuine reasons of health so I dunno.

What kind of magazines do you read?

None it particular, I might flick through Kerrang! for news but they annoy me too.

What's your occupation?
cook and general assistant at C&H

What's really creepy?

That bloke that stood outside the BM the other day leching at everyone, asking every woman what they were doing that night, including an OAP, not even as a joke, SERIOUSLY.

Who is your celebrity crush?
I don't have crushes now.

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?

Rammstein. I fucking adore them because they sound like organized metal chaos.

What are you listening to right now?
People talking about tea helping you to chill out, not really worthy of a national news item.

What are you most excited for?
Being married, having a mini Bolb or Richi, seeing Rammstein live ahhhhHhhhh!!!!!

Who did you last unselfishly help? (My question, because 'What websites do you visit daily' is well old now.)
Maybe a customer, I know I'm meant to anyway but I usually try to avoid them and stay in the kitchen.

What was the last thing you bought?

Some cigarettes.

What was the cutest thing you've seen today?

Richi standing in a doorway looking like he wanted a hug.

Does the weather affect your mood?

Yes, overcast dull days bum me out. Sunny days with big white clouds and a nice breeze cheer me up no end. Dark rainy days make me all nostalgic and romantic and I want to drink tea and play Final Fantasy or watch people from the window of a cafe.

What is your zodiac sign?
Scorpio, Jealous, obsessive, sex orientated.

Do you want to learn another language?

I'm learning Japanese, I love it and having Richi to help is a bonus.

5 things you can't live without -

1. Richi
2. Friends and Family
3. Good food, I love food!
4. Animals
5. Make-up

Do you have any siblings?

Phillis and Dawn.

What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
I've missed you! I Hope you are looking after yourself!

Where did you have your first ever moment of true wonder? Hmmm?
I think every moment as a baby because everything is completely new and wonderful, I would like to experience things like that again.

Say something to the person who tagged you:
Oh yeah I'm 28 Phillis!

I will Tag: Your mums' an onion, Billy don't!, What are YOU doing here?, Fall down the stairs, Peter can't wee, You foolish fuck, Dweeb Town,
Shirt-Pulling Drunk.

Right, and another.

This was the entry I'd been mulling over for a bit. Maybe a general update on things first.

Canterbury is very nice, all in all. It's a beautiful place to live, I walk through Dane John park every morning to work. I like having the porch door open in the kitchen in the summer, where I planted herbs outside, something I always wanted to do.
I still work at the coffee shop in C&H. I'm the main cook mon-fri which has always been my favourite job there, and I really do love that part. I have a relatively new manager called Sharon who is fantastic, as well as Lisa as a deputy who is great so I feel very comfortable with those two. I enjoy my work so much more due to them, and to a great extent it's a relief from my troubles for a few hours a day.
But it's not what I want to be doing with my life, of course. That part of my life is stuck in a rut. There is certain people there that drive me up the freakin' wall and are pushing my insecurities, however I fully understand this is MY problem not theirs.

One of the best things is meeting some really good people. Since going to the Butter Market pub regularly, (as Richi works there) they are some of the best bunch of guys. Trouble is it's combined with excessive drinking and smoking as I'm in there so often not wanting to sit at home on my own while Richi is working. I have felt so welcome by the guys there, more than I can say about C&H as a whole after three years of working there, bar Sharon and Lisa, it's not equal to only knowing the people at the BM for just under a year.
Tina ( of the BM) is absolutely lovely, a warm, generous and caring person - and I'm so glad I met her, as well as Matt and 'Plus', Jen and Greg and all those guys. I love hanging out with them.

Time for tea break.


I recently bought a book since getting online again, which is the main thing I wanted to start writing in the diary for. It's Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or techniques for Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
I was quite excited about this for a few reasons, one I'd never seen a book this specific for my disorder and also I'd never been given this treatment despite several requests to the doctors, psychiatrists, Art Therapist, Councilors, or whatever. I have known for so long that this is the best recommended therapy for BDD alongside medication, but being doctors they say 'try this first' 'it's a long waiting list' 'see how the medication works'. It's not good enough, and never being given that choice has left me feeling hopeless.
So this book might be a poor substitute but it's damn well worth a try. It's also part written by a specialist in BDD who I once emailed a few years back about my symptoms, of course his reply was 'I'm unable to give you a diagnosis but it these symptoms can suggest BDD, you would need to come up to the Priory in London for an assessment for appropriate treatment' Not much chance of that at the time, although, I'm not sure why not. I would love that opportunity so much, to be given a choice for once.

So far what is interesting is not necessarily the 'causes' of BDD as it discusses it's far too complex to find actual pin point biological or other reasons. I think there are several factors that cause a person to be vulnerable to BDD, and on reading the introduction for this book one thing really interested me. In a part about psychological factors it reads that people with body image problems might be more aesthetically sensitive than the average person. That seems a bit of a no-brainer to be honest but also that in a small study of people with BDD, OCD, depression and other disorders, the people with BDD were much more likely than the other groups to have had an education, training or to work in Art and Design. It is also careful to state that this is an unclear link in being vulnerable to BDD.

I can put my two pence in here though, (does that mean anything?)
For what it's worth, other than being an artist since I can remember and a trained illustrator, aesthetics is of huge importance to me in all aspects of life.
The art I do on the whole I want to be beautiful and perfect, maybe if something I was drawing wasn't going how I wanted it's probably the closest thing to looking at myself. It's the same stomach churning feeling, despair and anger at not getting it perfect or right, and the thought of showing it to people or even someone catching a glimpse filled me with dread. I know they will be thinking, that's shit, why are you at this uni? You are not good enough; everyone else on this course is more talented.
What’s funny is being put on Art Therapy by the doctor. I did no art in Art Therapy. Now I understand why.

This must be boring fucking reading, well, who cares.

They also talk about therapies which make you go over the past and spend a lot of time trying to find root causes, which it thinks is unhelpful for BDD sufferers as it is near impossible to unravel all these experiences which has made us who we are. I have to say, that all my therapy was based on this and did nothing but make me dredge up things that I already knew - then what? What did I learn? Where did it take me on developing ways of combating how I behave now? Not very far, and I cautiously agree with this idea, so now I just have to keep up with a book where no one is there to keep me with it but me.

Thanks NHS.


Firstly, Iggy Pop can stop telling me he's selling time and not car insurance when he blatantly IS selling fucking car insurance. Sell out.

Columbo's been winding up Dick Van Dyke for the last hour, like he does when he knows who the killer is, and so do we, and he pisses them off following them around all day.

Help me!

Hey there. While my connection is actually working, I need a bit advice if anyone has any ideas. I got the 3 mobile broadband which is basically a USB stick, no phone line etc.
I'm havin a lot of trouble getting connection, or rather if it does connect my browser will show one or so websites and then 'page cannot be displayed'. This happens even though the clock is still ticking ie it says I'm still connected. I understand a lot of people are having similar probs with this service but not sure if my computer or settings are to blame for the pages not displaying. I'm on contract, so not sure what the hell to do if I'm stuck with it. Any help very welcome!